Just about every gamer that gets married will at one point (or many points) experience “the collision”- gaming life vs. marital life. It takes many men by surprise that something they enjoy so much can make their wives feel neglected to the point of complaining, fighting, and many times divorce. She knew you were a gamer before she married you, so shouldn’t you be able to freely enjoy your hobby (or lifestyle)? Why is she so lonely?
Let me tell you what your wife is thinking and not saying.
She sees so much excitement in your eyes and she wishes that she was the reason, not your new game. It doesn’t matter that it’s virtual, because it’s a very real experience to you and it’s very real to her that something else, besides her, has captured you so intensely. Something else, besides her, is keeping you preoccupied at night while she falls asleep alone, in a bed that is meant to be shared with her husband.
So you start to realize she’s feeling neglected and you set out to be a super husband- “I’ll spend X amount of time with her today and then tonight I’ll play all night.” But your wife is extremely intuitive when it comes to you. She feels that invisible timer in your head, “clocking in”with her now so you can justify gaming later. You are not fooling her. It’s not about whether you love her in your heart, it’s about whether she feels that and knows it in hers so the clock in, clock out method unfortunately does neither of you any good.
She wants to be romanced and carried away by you as much today as she did the first day you met. After marriage, many men seem to fall into the “I’ve sealed the deal” trap. They’ve convinced an amazing woman to marry them and their job is done. That is so far from the truth. The pursuit is not over. She wishes you were as passionate about winning her heart as you are about leveling up, beating that boss, getting that loot or talking to your online friends that you will probably never even meet in real life.
Here’s a secret for all husbands- there are four main things that women fear ever feeling: A woman never wants to feel that you think she is uninteresting, a burden, unattractive, or that you don’t understand her. If you are constantly excited about gaming, distracted, “clocking in” your time with her before you game, and not being proactive about making sure she knows that she is the center of your heart- it is only a matter of time before your woman is in a consistent spiral in her thoughts- convincing herself that all of her fears listed above have come true.Unfortunately, before she has the courage to express her thoughts, you are already probably having issues in your marriage and you don’t know why.
So how do you fix the issue or make it better?
- Love your wife. Learn her needs and make sure those come before gaming. If you love games more than your wife, or her needs, that’s a heart issue. Your games aren’t going to cook you dinner, clean your house, or bring babies into this world for you.
- Talk to your wife and find a compromise that works for you both based on your needs and hers- for example she may like it if you wait until you’ve cuddled and she’s asleep to play.
- Consider figuring out a time that you can play with your buddies that’s scheduled. Kind of like a “guys night.” If it’s planned she might be more understanding.
- Don’t neglect taking your wife on dates and wooing her (and not so you can play later but because it’s your joy).
- Invite her into your world- knowing what you know about her, see if there are any games she might be interested in trying out and find cool games you would enjoy playing together.
I do understand my husband’s world a lot more now that gaming has become one of my hobbies too but it wasn’t always that way. I’ve been through the spiral and we’ve also come out of it and conquered it, but we are both still learning. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to chat with me. I would love to hear from you.
Gamer’s Wifey (Steph)